Humans were built for affection, and the evolving guidelines to flatten the curve of COVID-19 present a real challenge. Many people are already struggling with a lack of human contact and asking what it means to have little or no touching, hugging, cuddling, and sex in their lives. If we have to stay home, how do we have sex or meet new partners? How can we practice social distancing and self-quarantine while continuing to date?
The impacts of this social isolation will be felt even more deeply for anyone who identifies as part of the BDSM/kink and non-monogamous communities. It’s hard enough to date and have sex as a single person in general, but having multiple partners or dating multiple people is even more complex. Practicing BDSM involves close contact and impact play with the consent of a partner. Many kinks include more than one person, which can increase feelings of isolation in people without access to their partner(s).
Our new way of living is still emerging and we are still learning about the best safety measures to take for our health and the health of our communities. What we do know is that COVID-19 is highly contagious and easy to transmit to other people, and there are things we can do right now to prevent the spread.
If you don’t know someone’s COVID-19 status, stick to virtual dating/sex
As a Sex Postiive therapist, it upsets me to make such a strict recommendation right now. However, due to insufficient testing there is no way to know whether someone is “safe” from COVID-19 since you can transmit the virus without showing symptoms. While COVID-19 is not a sexually transmitted disease, it is transmitted by close physical contact, so using condoms or choosing not to kiss doesn’t eliminate your risk of getting the virus or giving it to someone else and since many people are asymptomatic, it’s hard to know who actually has it.
It’s not fun, but in person sexual contact with any new person (even previous partners who aren’t in the same household) is not safe.
Be thoughtful and creative with online sex
There are many ways to connect or have sex with new or existing partners. Try chatting, texting, or sexting. Have phone sex and video sex, and explore the latest in VR sex—really anything you can imagine that doesn’t require someone to be there with you.
Dating virtually actually allows you to slow down and get to know potential BDSM partners. If you are looking for new play partners, take some time to engage with people up front. You can still use apps like Feeld to find potential matches. Learn more about each other’s kinks, talk about consent—and consensual non-consent—and negotiate rules and boundaries for the relationship in anticipation of restrictions being lifted.
Practice open communication
One of the benefits of being in sex positive and non-heteronormative communities is that safer sex and STI status is usually considered. If you are in an established relationship, I recommend expanding your safer sex discussions to include COVID-19, and make sure all people involved contribute to decisions. For example, you may decide whether to isolate with one or more partners. If one partner chooses not to self-isolate they should disclose that so that everyone else can make an informed choice about whether to interact with them.
Dating and sex during the COVID-19 pandemic will continue to evolve. If we are lucky, one of the silver linings of this pandemic is that we can practice having conversations about safer sex and we can obtain a stronger understanding of just how important physical relationships are to our well-being.
