Connection is one of the driving forces on the planet. From infancy, we are guided by our nervous systems to seek out another person to care about and for them to reciprocate that care to us.. This is, quite simply, a life or death emergency. Our nervous systems tune to each other, and then we bond deeply. As we grow older, this process continues again and again. We find ourselves connected and needing an irreplaceable other. This is bonding, it’s survival, it’s safety, and it’s also love. So perhaps it’s not surprising that the distress we feel with our romantic relationships and partners is often Distress- with a capital D. Our nervous system reads this as a type of emergency. Why, then, are we surprised to find distress there at all?
There are more synapses in a human brain than there are stars in our galaxy.That two (or more) brains find each other and build a deep, interdependent relationship is a wonder. For those reading who have considered couples therapy or are considering it right now, this is good news: your love MATTERS. Julian Barnes, in his book Levels of Life, which focuses on grief and losing the love of his life says: “Nature is so precise, it hurts exactly as much as it’s worth. So in a way, one relishes the pain. If it didn’t matter, it wouldn’t matter.”
If it didn’t matter, it wouldn’t matter. That’s the first thing,and it’s great news! There is hope. The second thing is that, complicated as we are, we also interact and react with our partners in ways that we can notice, name, and map. That’s also great news! If you and your partner are willing to do the work of couples therapy, it means you already have the motivation and, along with your therapist, you can find the destination.
Of course, that said, the distance between lovers isn’t necessarily easy. None of us are exempt from being a pain in the rear at times. And no one, I repeat, NO ONE will trigger you more than your partner. Each of us serves as both wind beneath our partners’ wings and their burden. Stan Tatkin, a wise couples therapist, has said that part of the agreement implicit in our love relationships is that we will do things for them that no one else will do. Often these are things we wouldn’t even be able to pay someone else to do. And deciding to work through our relational distress, when the stakes are this high, is one of them!
Know that strong feelings around your partner (and yes, distress) are not necessarily indicators of catastrophe,-they are also guide posts to learning how to love each other better.
