In 2015, the Journal of Sex Research found that searches for terms related to polyamorous, non-monogamous, and open relationships have been rising steadily for the past decade. In a follow-up study, the same group of researchers discovered that more than one in five Americans have engaged in a non-monogamous relationship at some point. That means roughly 20% of people are thinking outside of the box and are curious about new forms of relationships.
So, what does it mean to be in a non-monogamous relationship? How can you choose the right type for you and avoid any hiccups along the way?
Erica Zajac, LCSW, a Sex Positive Psychotherapist at Brooklyn Minds and the creator of the first ever of its kind Sex Positive mentalization-based therapy (MBT) group, walks us through the different types of non-monogamous relationships, what makes them unique and how to make them work. The takeaway? In non-monogamy, there’s something for everyone.
Open relationships
You’ve probably heard the term “open relationship” dropped frequently in recent years — but what exactly does that mean? “Open typically refers to either one or both partners having the option to have sex with people outside of the relationship,” explains Zajac. “Open” can be applied to a variety of relationship styles, but the one thing they have in common is that you are not in an exclusive relationship with your partner.
Monogamish
According to Zajac, monogamish partners are primarily monogamous in their sexual choices, but they may both be willing to step outside of the relationship when the mood strikes. “It’s for people who are mainly monogamous, but are also open to their partner having sex with partners outside of the relationship,” she explains. In some ways, this could be thought of as “open relationship lite.”
Swinging
Swinging is one of the best known and most popular forms of non-monogamy, with dedicated swingers clubs and bars being in no short supply. Generally, swinging involves committed couples consensually exchanging partners, typically for sexual purposes. Swinging can range from brief interactions at sex clubs or parties, to social groups of friends who know each other well.
Polygamy
Polygamy is a form of marriage that involves multiple spouses. The most common form is polygyny, where one husband has multiple wives, each of whom are sexually exclusive with the husband. You’ve probably seen this portrayed in reality TV shows like the “Sister Wives.” A marriage between one wife and multiple husbands is called polyandry, and is far more rare and less accepted.
Polyamory
In this non-monogamous relationship style, partners have the freedom to have multiple romantic and sexual relationships at the same time. “It could be a couple engaging in emotional and sexual bonds with partners outside their relationship, but polyamory also applies to a single person who has multiple romantic and sexual relationships,” Zajac says. Polyamory differs from open relationships in that there can be romantic elements, beyond just sex, with multiple partners.
Polyfidelity
According to Zajac, while polyamory is considered an “open” relationship style, polyfidelity is “closed” and the people involved do not have relationships with people outside of their defined group. “In polyfidelity, multiple partners have long-term relationships. You might have three relationships, but they aren’t open — each partner knows about each other and you don’t have sex outside of the relationships,” she explains. Often times the term “throuple” gets mistakenly written off as polyamory, but if the three people in question remain exclusive to each other, this would actually be considered polyfidelity.
