For many people, the holiday season is a time for celebration and togetherness, but for many it can be a time of stress. This is especially true for those who identify as LGBTQ+, gender non-conforming, or for those engaged in a non traditional relationship. The holidays can increase feelings of isolation and loneliness.
Returning home for the holidays, sitting through a family meal, and spending time with extended family can be challenging enough, but these seemingly joyous moments can be particularly anxiety-inducing if you’re faced with the prospect of having to explain your alternative lifestyle or introduce your partner(s) to your family.
What happens if something goes awry? What if you’re not ready to come out to your family and just want to make it through the holidays emotionally unscathed? Here are a few tips on communicating with your family about your alternative lifestyle, whatever that may be.
1. Get tough conversations out of the way before large family gatherings
Given the amount of stress already present during the holidays, it’s best to opt for a one-on-one approach and get tough conversations out of the way before large gatherings. Disclosing details around your sexuality and romantic relationships requires vulnerability and high-pressure situations are not the best time when you’re aiming for understanding. Give your family a heads up, talk to them individually ahead of time, keep the conversation simple, and understand that your family may need time to process and acknowledge what you’ve told them.
2. Set boundaries
While you can communicate clearly and choose the optimal setting to have the conversation, you can’t control the outcome. To prevent confrontation or address insensitive comments, speak up and set boundaries for yourself. Determine what would be allowable or appropriate and communicate that to your family. Encourage everyone to be respectful to your partner(s) and to refrain from using discriminatory language. If someone gets out of line, demand respect and establish firm boundaries. “Please don’t use that phrase — it’s hurtful and makes us feel unwelcome’’ can go a long way.
3. Protect your relationship
Before you introduce your partner(s) to your family, ask yourself if this is the right time. You don’t want to bring them into an unsafe environment and you should prioritize making sure they’re comfortable. Talk with your partner(s) and discuss strategies for possible scenarios that could unfold at the dinner table. Ask yourselves, “If X happens, are we going to leave the dinner table? Excuse ourselves and go for a walk?” If you’re planning on bringing your partner(s) home for an extended stay, make plans and discuss sleeping arrangements in advance. The fewer surprises, the better.
If you decide that now is not the best time for your partner(s) to meet your family, talk through how you’ll balance your relationship with your family members and your partner(s), if these are separated during the holidays. Talk with your partners(s) and be transparent as to why a joint holiday is not happening. “Hey, are you going to be okay if we do Christmas Eve together and I go to my family’s house for Christmas dinner?” “What would you be comfortable with?” and “What were you imagining the holidays would look like?” Have your partner(s) participate in decision making which may need to include compromises and keep in mind that it is often not possible to make everyone happy.
4. Seek out professional help if you need it
Therapy can potentially help you navigate specific negative interactions you’ve had with your family and any shame you have around discussing your lifestyle. The better you feel about yourself, the less shame you’ll feel about your alternative lifestyle and be better able to cope with potentially difficult conversations. If you feel supported and understood, then you’re less likely to need that support and understanding from your family, especially if it’s not likely.
These tips are a guide and offer potential ways of navigating difficult situations over the holidays but there may be other ways of addressing this that I have not covered. The key is thinking about these potential difficult conversations/situations ahead of time to help reduce misunderstandings and interpersonal conflict. There is also the option of simply not addressing any of this right now and waiting for a less stressful time to have these conversations. Sometimes the best thing to do is wait. Ultimately, you will need to decide what is best for you and your partner(s).
